I guess it is safe to say that I am not quite where I want to be as far as living with trauma and PTSD. There are 3 significant events in my life that have caused PTSD, two of them being medical. I am going to focus solely on the medical PTSD as far as context goes, but I think my list of DOs for managing my PTSD could apply to other types as well.
So what is medical PTSD, you ask? The answer is in the name. It’s any PTSD stemming from a medical event. When intense medical events are endured in our lives, whether a near death experience for yourself or that of someone close to you (or really any other intense medical event regardless of near death), there is the possibility of presenting with PTSD. I’ll take this time to say that I am no expert in this area, but I do know that I have significant emotional trauma from medical events, and I know that I can be triggered into that place of panic. It isn’t always severe, but triggers are almost always enough to get my adrenaline coursing and to impact my interactions with the world (most importantly, the people!) around me.
The first medical trauma stemmed from an ectopic pregnancy that nearly got me. Here’s an excerpt from that story which you can finish reading here.
I laid on the front porch with the moon overhead in late September 2019. I was drifting in and out, still on the phone with the dispatcher. When I was in, I was giving directions and updates on how I was feeling (it took an hour for an ambulance to reach me). When I was out, I was coming to terms with the final moments of my life. I remember looking up at the moon with bright Venus right beside and saying to myself with a smile, that this is ok. The breeze was blowing so sweetly in a way that I will never forget. The moon was crescent. Venus was humming a clear blue. I was ok with it ending like this, I knew and felt that so deeply. I closed my eyes to that and I distinctly remember breathing and cracking a smile, my eyes closed, as I breathed in the soft wind…
None of This is Your Business, But…, Indie Cruz Blog
PTSD from that event still lives in my mind, but its grip has been growing ever smaller as I put in the work to process it. And just when I thought I could possibly be done putting in effort to condition my mind, life throws another intense event my way.. or so it seems.
I am back at ground zero with the newest medical trauma and recently I have had a harder time coping with thoughts that cause me to relive scary medical events relating to the birth/NICU stay with my daughter.
Very long story short, Violet has a few craniofacial abnormalities, the most consequential being bilateral choanal atresia (the narrowing or complete occlusion of the nasal airway) which made it impossible for her to breathe unassisted (resulting in a traumatic birth) and for which she endured 4 repair procedures in the OR without success over the course of our 4 month NICU stay. The failed repair attempts eventually led us to a 5th surgery to place a Trach and G tube. Violet also has a very rare blood disorder called Diamond-Blackfan Anemia- a condition in which your body does not produce its own red blood cells. All in all, we were in the NICU 123 days, endured 5 surgeries, and 5 blood transfusions, an innumerable amount of traumatic deep suctions of her freshly drilled nasal passage, which happened every 3 hours for MONTHS, amongst your baseline NICU stay traumas. Not to mention, we made it home for about 2 weeks before Violet contracted a severe case of COVID-19 and we ended up back in the PICU for perhaps the scariest week of them all.
But we made it. I am so thankful that I am not on the path dealing with loss trauma, but is the PTSD still there and very real? Why yes. Yes, it is.
I feel as though my brain never rests. Even as I sit here and look at her peacefully sleeping (isn’t she CUTE), I can’t help but feel anxious. This little one has been through so much in her short time here and it is the most helpless feeling to know there is nothing more I can do to ease her journey. It’s her life, her cards, and her journey. The only thing I can do is support her the best way I know how, and even though that is a lot, it is never feels like enough to me.
So then, can one actually process through these traumas and PTSD of this kind? Well, again, I am not a professional in this area and I can’t speak for your experience, but I can speak to mine. I will say I have overcome panic attacks and dark stretches of time to the point where certain triggers have had less and less symptomatic presentation. This is what walking through the process of managing PTSD looked/looks like for me:
- Set a HARD boundary about how you will NOT cope with PTSD/anxiety. For me this is basically anything unhealthy, such as drinking. While I like to have a drink from time to time, for me it is NEVER OK to do this as a response to a triggering event (like as a means to drown it out). It is one thousand percent a NO NO for me. There are other destructive things that you could turn to, but drinking alcohol is really the only one that applied to me in terms of placing a boundary there. You could literally make a boundary with any other destructive behavior you may turn to to cope.
- Keep open communication about your emotions with SOMEONE. For me this is primarily my husband, although other family members play a role as well. This could also be anyone else, including a therapist, although for me I have triggers associated with therapy itself which I have yet to overcome and so I shy away. In any case, choose a pillar of a person who will hear you and VALIDATE you, but that will encourage you to not remain stagnant too long and to work through your traumas and triggers in healthy ways. Someone who will recognize unhealthy habits and hold you accountable while also holding space for all the tangled wires in your brain.
- Start with 1 way to focus your mind, intentionally, every day. Is it meditation? It is Yoga? A run? A sit on the porch while thinking/saying a set of positive mantras to start your day? Whatever it is, make it intentional and then be consistent with it. Don’t let it slip away even if all you have is 5 minutes. (Guess what, I am just getting to this part for myself. I recently realized I was presenting with PTSD symptoms again, so it was time to begin the healing work..)
- Infiltrate your whole self with good food for both your body and your mind. I mean literal and figurative food here. Seriously, eat less processed foods (good rule of thumb is to stay on the perimeter in the grocery store. The middle shelves are mostly processed!), cook a little bit.. its cathartic. Get enough sleep. Get your body moving.. even a walk around the block will do. Then, feed your brain helpful words.. READ. I’ll give you one book that may be the only one you need: From Poverty to Power, James Allen. (But I will say there are a TON out there that I have read that have added immense value and guidance for healing!)
- Self evaluate, but don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself lagging behind on your plan. Congratulate and encourage yourself when you’re keeping steady, but when you falter DO give yourself grace. Let yourself know that you understand how hard it is to face your traumas and work through them and its totally valid to struggle to manage it sometimes. But tomorrow is a new day and consistency is key NOT MOTIVATION. I mean.. don’t we all lack motivation when things are HARD. Motivation is a great word, but sometimes it helps when I replace it with consistency. It really puts you more on the path of “one foot in front of the other.” Remind yourself to revisit your plan and to return to it. YOU CAN DO THIS.
- VISUALIZE… Realize that managing trauma is a process that doesn’t happen overnight, but expect that you will wake up soon and know that you have come through. No matter how little the progress… any progress is good progress. Then visualize yourself on the other side. What does it look like to not live with your symptoms? Close your eyes and think on it. Make it feel like real life.. your brain can actually do that. If it’s not the reality right now that is OK. It does not hurt to fantasize about it and remind yourself that you can get there. While you’re at the whole visualizing thing, go ahead and visualize your body (or your child’s body) working to heal whatever it is that ails it. For my daughter, it’s her anemia. For now, I visualize her bone marrow working to produce red blood cells properly and hold that as my hope as we start down the path to managing her condition and hopefully getting it into remission through steroid therapy one day when she is old enough. It sounds hokey to visualize, but it’s OK. You aren’t alone. I am doing it, too. We can be hokey together.
That’s really all I got. While I am not always doing all of these things, the goal is to get there soon. I’m on the right track because I am not doing nothing. I am not going to let my mind run away with me, I’ll use it as a tool to improve myself. The mind is strong enough, don’t let it convince you otherwise. There is a lot I cannot control externally right now, but I can put in the work to control me. I can control what I eat. I can control what content I allow into my mind. I can meditate. I can do yoga. I can give myself grace. I can surround myself with support (I’ll be your support if you don’t have anyone!). I can filter my thoughts. I can control me.
Also, absolutely no shade if you aren’t here yet. I just want you to know you can be. Just start with intention and consistency.
-Namaste!
Indie Cruz 