There seems to be this alternate reality that sits beside myself, waiting to be stepping into. I imagine it is just off to the right of my body at all times, but within arms reach. And in that unseen, alternate realm, there is a burning fire. It just stays there, burning away, day in and day out. Some days I don’t notice this alternate, possible reality and even forget that it is there. Other days a spark from the fire within it drifts away and pricks my skin. Today is one of those days. I was hit with a spark.
I am a writer.
There, I said it.
Most of the time I don’t like the idea of calling myself a writer, because writing could never be a real, big-girl job. Right? At least not the kind of writing that I like to do most often- writing children’s stories.
I ventured into this arena almost by accident- at least that is how it seemed to happen. My first children’s story, which is yet to be published (Little Emma Lee- watch this space), came to me – yes, literally came to me- in the middle of the night. Say, one or two o’clock in the morning. In my sleep. Some people would call that a dream. It doesn’t really matter what you call it, to be honest, but I naturally woke up out of a nice sleep, grabbed my cell phone off of my bedside table and began to type this dream-story into my notes app. It took about an hour and after I felt satisfied that I got it all down, I fell back asleep. A second story (Fin the Fern- already in this space!) came to me in the same way. I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night, typed what came to me into my notes app, and fell back asleep. Both were written for and about two of my dear friends’ little girls before they made their world debut.
A third story, The Wise Tower of Bower (again, watch this space!), also came to me. This one however, was in the most unique place. Aaron and I were in Belize on a rickety old, yellow school bus full of locals headed from Belize City, where we had just flown into, to San Ignacio. It was night, and the ride took about 2 hours down a rough, dusty dirt road. It was hot and smelly– the kind of hot and smelly that somehow melts together to the point where you can’t distinguish between the two.
For about the first 30 minutes or so I sat against the window chatting with Aaron incessantly (as usual- poor guy). But then in an instant, as we hurled down this road collecting bumps and bruises, I caught a glimpse of something as it flashed by the window. It was a broken tree. Yup, a broken tree that looked like it had been struck by lightning suddenly caused a barrage of child-like imagery to flood my creative brain. A tall, mangled tree, in my reality, suddenly became a broken and beat down boy from a whimsical place. And that boy would grow up to be a beacon of hope for other broken and beat down boys. Aaron caught a break for the rest of the drive, because out came my notes app. Before we made it to San Ignacio, the story was done. Just like that- a flood of imagery and words propelling me into an alternate reality.
Those are only my first three and although those seemed to appear out of nowhere, others have taken more effort to form. I have one other completed (the first story of my Addison Rue Series) and one currently in the works!
If I had let the embarrassment of my child-like imagination (yes, it was a real struggle and sometimes still is), none of it would be possible. I would have given into my adult insecurities which were born out of the “box”, which I perhaps placed on myself, that produced this running mantra in my head: “This is not a real dream. The probability of this working is LOW at best, and it is not a viable way to make MONEY.”
For a long time I thought that money was the only measure of success- and to be honest, I do still struggle with that thought and suspect that I may for a while yet. However, I have found that the depth of satisfaction that I get from writing makes this whole endeavor a success. Let me say that again:
The depth of satisfaction that I get from writing makes this whole endeavor a success.
Nothing will be able to replace the sense of accomplishment and continuing motivation you feel when you pursue a dream because it is purely what YOU had in mind. Not what others (family, friends, society, etc.) said your dream should be and not accomplished necessarily how others told you it should be.
I sat on my stories for a while- waiting and waiting for some sort of “sign” that I should actually do something with them. Honestly, I naturally always wanted to, but I never thought it would be possible to actually be an author. And so, it has taken me quite a while to work up the confidence to call myself one. But, here we are a year and a half after beginning the trek towards my first fully published story and it now is available in three versions (hardcover, paperback, and kindle).
None of it would have been possible if I didn’t simply begin to roll forward- to lean into the chance, the possibility. I had read the quotes from inspirational people, and the books that dominate the realm of achieving dreams. It didn’t matter.
What mattered was me deciding that what was sitting at my core was worth pursuing regardless of the outcome, and realizing that it didn’t matter if A N Y O N E else thought it was a waste. If you have anything in your life that you haven’t yet begun to pursue, you probably understand exactly what I am talking about.
I am not going to trail off and tell you “You know what to do! Get out of your own way!” but I won’t because… we all know that and I wouldn’t be the first or the last to say it. When I took time to sit and write down my barriers to achieving my goal of being a published author I quickly realized… they were just excuses made out of fear of failure. It won’t hurt you if you don’t try, right? That was a huge mantra running in my head. Yup.. I was so wrong. It was hurting me to not try. Hurting me more than I think I could understand at the time.
I sat on these stories for about 5 years, so it really was a battle in my mind to even begin to take a step forward. Once I did, I found a new confidence in myself. The confidence definitely doesn’t come from “success” in the eyes of the business world, but rather from achieving my goals and I think that has been the most valuable thing I have learned through this process so far.
-Namaste
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Plug in your dream/goal…
“The depth of satisfaction that I get from ___________makes this whole endeavor a success.”
Then make it a personal mantra.
Indie Cruz 